Last Round of Chemo

I feel so lost in a conventional world. Wishing for a healthier life. The chemotherapy is against who I am, my mind and body never accepting drugs. For years I’ve gone without Tylenol, never even smoking a cigarette, always finding a natural alternative. Now polluting my body for weeks on in, facing the foreign side affects.

Wednesday, I started my last day of chemo for this cycle very, very sick. Needless to say, the show didn’t stop. The metallic tastes letting me know, the fight begins again. No need to watch my drug bag drip, for the memory’s so familiar. I lay in bed, just trying to breathe, hoping to vision my prize! Curled in a ball, rocking my pain, praying it all goes away. The dagger in place, stabbing between the eyes. Feeling each pressure, from front to back and back to front, hoping it’s wasting the drugs. Please stop this ugly pain. The endless cramps, to the painful noise, my stomach still not settling. Not even a bite, nor a drink can help me today. I cry for yesterday.

As we drove "home" I gazed out the window. Watching the people, living the life I lived. Joining friends, making laughs, maybe getting a bite to eat. I began to wonder when it all went wrong. When life changed so much for me. How my spirit so high, my courage so strong, my faith in God to carry me the way changed through the night. Now elements of a shadow. I began to wonder, how many survived, how many don’t even know.

This has been my life since then. I pray for relief and a better day.