Happy New Year!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!

It seems like years since I last blogged! My DSL in the apartment is down and I have not had access in a long time!! I decided to stay the night at my sisters last night, no need to drive on the roads with all the party goers! Especially since I am not one of them this year! Haha!

Let’s see! The kids had a great Christmas! Santa came, he actually found them at Aunt Sonia’s! He must be real good and probably reading my blog too! It’s real hard to keep up with us Paxxxxx’s these days! All the girls could open their own presents this year! They were so excited and Elena kept asking for more! Haha! I think we left her out of the “let’s keep things simple” conversation! Lol! As for the rest of the Martinez kids, it was Christmas, we were all together and we took turns visiting with my dad throughout the day. It was hard to feel the “spirit” with my dad in the hospital but we had some relief knowing he may live.

For me, the best Christmas gift was being alive to celebrate this special holiday with my children, husband and family and my dad “woke“ up and was more alert…it seems he is on the road to recovery! However, the road still has many bumps and turns and we still don’t know if he will ever be the same person he was before surgery but he is on a road!

Mike went back to Memphis on the 26th and the girls and I have been hanging out at the apartment and visiting with my dad. I’ve been very tired and feeling overwhelmed with emotions. Free time allowing me to think of cancer again. I just wonder if the fear of cancer ever goes away. Is it like the passing of a loved one were time heals the wound? Or maybe the fear comes in waves, every three months when it’s time for another chest scan, MRI or check up? Or maybe you just live like you don’t have cancer? How does one live with the fear of cancer? So many questions and really…no firm answer.

I believe God has a plan, I just wish I knew his plan. (Wouldn’t that be nice! Haha) Living each hour to the fullest is the best I can do but those hours are filled with feelings and thoughts. I believed the hardest part of the fight was chemotherapy, but now that I’ve finished four cycles, 120 hours, twelve weeks of a chemo life, I feel that is easier than actually living with cancer.

The past week has me thinking of the “what ifs” again. What if I die? I watch the girls play and interact with my niece, nephews, my brother and sisters and I wonder how things will be if God sends for me sooner than later? The emotions and words attached to my “Who Will Know?” blog surface again. At times I get angry. Forget me, but think about Mike and the girls. Is it fair for three little girls and a forty year old man to have to live life with a sick mom/wife or a mom/wife with cancer. Even worse, to grow up without their mommy? Is it fair for Mike to be a widow at such a young age? But what is fair about cancer is that it allows you to recognize your strengths and it allows you to have unbelievable faith and hope before it‘s too late. I think it’s impossible to live with such an aggressive cancer like Myxoid Liposarcoma without both! I believe this fight goes beyond the chemo, beyond the surgery and beyond the radiation. This fight is about the will to live and live to the fullest and most importantly faith and hope.

What I also know is, you…my friend, my family, a reader who droppes a line…give me that unbelievable faith and hope I need to survive. To fight. To hope I can beat cancer or at best, put up a good fight and give others the same hope in their struggles in life. This New Year, I thank you for lifting me the past months and caring for our family with all your kindness and generosity. I thank you for helping me live with the hope and faith I needed to be alive this Christmas and New Year.

As I enter the next phase of my cancer fight, surgery…I pray God continues to give me the strength to fight. I also pray you continue to help me with your words of hope, prayers and support. We are truly blessed with great family and friends! Happy New Year to you and your family! May you have a blessed 2008!