“I’m not convinced it’s sarcoma!”….Yes, that I what my second surgeon said! I was ecstatic to say the least! I felt like the sun was shining where the sun shouldn’t shine! :>)
Needless to say, Friday started off great! A mother of one of Elena’s good friends decided to keep all my girls while I went to the doctor. She is blessed with patience! She had 6 kids in one house! All under four! I don’t think Mrs. Jamie will ever know how much that meant to me! I rarely allow people to help me, especially attend to all three of my kids.
So my drive to the doctors was a nervous one. All I had to think of was the “opinion.” No singing, no questions to answer, trust me, toddlers have a lot of them and no mommy car duties. Instead, I found myself looking at all the landmarks the girls recognize along our way and actually pointing them out to myself. Funny how simple things become pleasure. I listened to my favorite childhood song, Free by Prince. Ironically, it has a message. I posted the lyrics in another blog if you want to read them.
Once again, the surgeon/oncologist asks a bunch of questions. Once again, I give the answers. He looks at my tumor, pushing, pulling and poking. All the same stuff. He asks me to get dressed and once again, arrive with another person in a white jacket. (I found out later he was like an intern, his opinion didn't matter, lol, jk) I get the biggest smile on my face, a smile they would remember and think twice before making it turn to a frown.
It worked! That’s when they both sat down and the surgeon said, “I’m not convinced it’s sarcoma!” I was so relieved. We talked; he explained what sarcoma is, what steps they recommend and asked what I felt. Honestly, I really didn’t care to talk about sarcoma, I just kept thinking, “I’m not convinced it’s sarcoma!” I think I was so at ease, they were comfortable joking with me, telling me how I must have been the happiest patient they ever met under these circumstances. They said I was full of life and full of energy! I am, that’s why I can handle this with so much hope, because I don’t feel like life is empty. I just needed to hear a bit of hope and this was what I was hearing. I remember looking out of the window, letting out a big sigh and saying, thank you God! Thank you mom! Thank you Karen! The angels I pray to every week and now every day!
I filtered out all the bad news and focused on the good news. The good news was, he was not convinced it was sarcoma. He also said the tumor was on the outer part of my thigh, if it turned out to be cancer, they had a greater area to work with without getting close to major arteries/veins in my leg. This is very promising for Mike, he may not have to give up his leg after all! Lol! This surgeon thought my recovery time from the actual surgery may be a week in the bed, another two weeks with a cane/walker (Wouldn’t that be fun for the girls, a walker I can push them around in, even better, hiding it from me…I couldn’t chase them down!!) and 4-6 weeks of physical therapy. However, if cancer was involved, I may have down time due to the cancer treatment. They said no matter what, I will survive this if I am asking how long this will keep me down! Haha!! Last but probably not least, he scheduled a biopsy! Yahooo! I really wanted this. From my research, this is the way to go. This surgeon had a great point, if they don’t know if it is cancerous or not, they don’t really know how to go about the surgery. From what I understand, if it is cancerous, they like to cut a much bigger area, approx. 2 inches more all the way around. He said you don’t want to disturb the cancer in any way! Makes sense. If it is not, then they would simply remove the tumor, not remove a larger mass. However, due to the size they may still treat it with some local radiation as a precautionary measure. I was sweating happiness!! If every thing stands as is, I will know FOR SURE if I have a sarcoma or not on September 25th at 12:30. He better not be late this day! I’ll have to tamper with some files!
The most important bad news is the size of my tumor. According to the ultrasound, my tumor is 6 x 3.7 x 4 cm. Ouch, it appears bigger to us because of its position. Unfortunately, it has grown since I was first tested a few weeks ago, this may say it is growing fast. The size is often used in assessing an “opinion” as well as determining the stage of cancer. He said they like to see them a lot smaller. When they are this big or greater than 5 cm, they tend to believe they are cancerous. Hmmm! Where’s that “not convinced” attitude!? Of course I accept the “hope” in “not so convinced” but I have to question it too. We all know I am Type A all the way around! So I ask, “Why are you not so convinced?” Keep in mind; this is after 40 minutes of an upbeat conversation… He said he did not have a biopsy saying it was sarcoma. Damn him! He burst my bubble as fast as he blew It up! He may as well chewed my hope and spit it out! If you look at all the tests and the physical assessments you are back to my first opinion! Let me add, that surgeon’s notes state it is sarcoma! Thus eliminating that 10% chance it wasn’t. You know the chance he ethically had to state! However, he didn’t have a biopsy to eliminate my hope either. Oh ya, no matter what the biopsy showed, I will be having surgery and that to me is the easy part in all of this!
So there I was, in this parking garage looking once again at a map. A map that gave me no direction but it still had hope!! I decided to leave there with all the happiness, just repeating those words, “I’m not convinced it’s sarcoma!” Almost humming it like a song, a song of joy! I had to believe this day was my day! A day my friends where already there for me, a day a doctor was not convinced and a day I got what I wanted, a biopsy before surgery!
The upcoming weeks are pretty busy and full of dates! I’m pretty excited for my third opinion on the 18th. This is still another day of hope! Maybe this time they will say 50/50, I like this odd…we both go away feeling equal.
Here are the upcoming dates:
Friday, Sept. 14th I have an MRI of the abdomen.
Tuesday, Sept. 18th I meet with the third surgeon/oncologist. I think this guy is the best in the area! He works with kids at St. Jude that have this type of cancer a lot more than adults. No matter what he says, I will be even stronger on this day; I will be celebrating Elena’s 4th Birthday! I’ll be damn if I didn’t go through labor pains and toddler headaches to be cheated of my motherhood!! Especially when it comes to those 6”11” twins I carried for 37 ½ weeks!!
Thursday, Sept. 20th I have another MRI done of my thigh, this time with contrast & I have an Ultrasound Guided Needle Biopsy done on my thigh AFTER the MRI. They don’t want to disturb the tumor before they really get to see the current form.
Tuesday, Sept. 25th at 12:30, I meet with this surgeon to review all the results of these exams. Ironically, we have a FAMILY picnic to attend from 5:00-7:00 at Elena’s school!
My future can only be put on hold past the 25th if the pathologist feels he didn’t get a good enough sample of the tumor. In that case, an incision biopsy would be required. If I am the odds yet again, and this is sarcoma, you may find the printer friendly Adobe document on this site helpful. It is a 33 page document that tells you everything about sarcoma in adults specifically! http://www.cancer.org/docroot/CRI/CRI_2_3x.asp?dt=38
Let’s not speculate on that idea right now!
For now, I’m going to go study and get caught up on homework. As for you guys, please keep praying! Don’t worry, I am still praying for each of you, I didn’t trade in all my prayers, YET! Lol!
