Here we are, Monday again!! It’s hard to believe that tomorrow, God will let us all know the power of prayer! Tomorrow I will be told if my tumor is cancer or if it is not. Something we have all been waiting to hear!
Today, Elena and I bought her Princess bike and ordered a Mermaid cake for her birthday celebration tomorrow. She was so ecstatic with our purchase! She even rode her bike out of the store!! Yelling, “Mommy, you can’t catch me!” She’s right; I’m not the fastest runner! Her smile as bright as the sun! How I thought, I just want to be there when we buy the ten-speed or mountain bike! Elena’s been looking forward to her birthday for some time now, she said, “I can’t believe it’s my birthday and then all my friends can come over in their PJs!” (We are having her birthday party on the 29th, PJs, camping and marshmallows!)
My weekend was spent studying for two exams this week. My first exam is Tuesday, at 9:40 and my next exam is Thursday at 11:10. Initially it was difficult to study. I sat at the table, reading a line or two, then stopping to think about the tumor. My thought ranged from, how I never noticed; to what will happen if it is cancer.
I never really thought the word “cancer” could surface so many emotions. I mean, cancer is not the Big Green Monster I read about to my girls, the one we can put mind over matter. Nor is cancer something you just zap with antibiotics. Cancer is one scary chic!! Cancer really has to be a female. Think about it, what gender don’t we understand? What gender fights harder than any other? What gender can just sneak in that heart and not let go? Ya, cancer is definitely a female. No doubt in my mind.
Well, I studied for hours and hours both days. It seemed, when I could no longer study and my mind would truly wander, my sisters called with some funny story or another. We just laughed, we laughed so hard at some of the silliest things. Pondering the “what ifs,” recollecting the funny moments we shared, and just having some big belly laughs!! I think the best was my youngest sister’s vision of all the sisters and brother attacking the tumor as we had in the past, only it was some bar bouncers that time. Lol! Just picture the tiniest framed sister, jumping on a bouncer‘s back, three times her size! Her legs couldn’t even come close to reaching the front of the guy! Yes, we put them in their place; I know they’ll put this tumor in its place!! Haha!! You just have to know my family. I have a family made of diamonds! Each of us sparkles in our own way, we are strong in every way and our love lasts a lifetime like a diamond. I’m truly blessed to have such a close family. It’s all the family (his and mine), Mike and my girls I worry about today.
Yesterday, Mike and I sat in church once again. Our kids in the nursery. I walked in, blessed myself and sat to pray. I prayed for my family, my children and all the people who are suffering. Then I prayed for me. I prayed hard and long. As I kneeled in the pew, with my hands propping my head, I looked at Jesus hanging from the cross. I was scared. I was really scared about my future. My tears started to flow. First they dropped like a spring shower, a trickle here, a trickle there. I looked down; watching each of them hit the floor. I continued to pray, I cried even more. Then my tears where creating puddles of a storm, puddles my girls found so much joy playing in! I felt the fear; the sadness and the loss of hope surface me. My heart was empty; my love felt weak and my body felt numb. I kept asking God to please let me live! Please let me live! I’d go through anything if I could just live… and live long. I wanted to stroke my girl’s silky skin, run my fingers in their snarly hair and just love ‘em. I wanted to be their rock, be their friend, and just be there! I wanted to fulfill the thought of Mike and me rockin’ in our chairs, hangin’ with our friends and family, old and gray…Naturally Mike would be hairless from us girls! I promised to do everything right. I would slow down my lifestyle and learn to breathe. I would have more patience. I would not judge. I would not let the judgment of others make me weak. I would, I would…, I would…!! Then I started to ramble on my confessions. (Well, maybe it was some of them; all of them could take hours!) By now, it was obvious I was hurting; Mike placed his arm around me and held me tight. It was the feeling and silence that comforted me. I thought, it was these same arms that helped me through the initial news of the possibility of cancer. It was also these same arms that helped me through childbirth and the loss of my mother. Each event, making it through as he always said. This time, I wasn’t sure. I wasn’t sure if it really would be “ok.” I was really scared.
It seemed all of a sudden, I didn’t want to know the results of the biopsy. Something I have been impatiently waiting for the past few weeks. I wanted it all to go away. I suppose I wanted the easy route. Maybe I wanted Mike to tell me it was all a nightmare, I don’t know. I just knew I felt scared and hopeless. I couldn’t believe a tumor, a mass; something called cancer (the possibility) could bring so many emotions and so many heartaches, so much sadness.
As mass continued, I listened and prayed. I stood, sat, kneeled, stood, kneeled, kneeled, stood, sat and so forth. You know the Catholic aerobics we do on Sundays. Lol! The thought set in my heart again, like a dagger digging deeper and deeper. I cried. I felt like God was trying to make me realize all the possibilities. I know them but I don’t really go deep with them. I suppose that’s why it’s easy for me to joke, laugh and talk about it. Honestly, I think this is good, I haven’t been told I HAVE cancer. Well, at the end of mass, the gates opened, the levees failed and I was trying to swim…the closing song was Amazing Grace!! Amazing Grace is the same song I sing to each of my children when they need comfort. Once again, I let my emotions run and trust me they ran! However, I think it was a sign from God; he was definitely reaching out to me, comforting me. He was letting me know he was also on my side. No matter what, he would be by my side.
Knowing how many people are praying for me, knowing how many people love me, knowing how many people want to help me…knowing God will “walk beside me and carry me when I need, “ I know I will be ok but oh dear God, please let me live!
Please keep praying, just sing! Sing of joy and happiness that you are alive. That you are breathing!
Until tomorrow…
Amazing Grace Lyrics
John Newton (1725-1807)Stanza 6 anon.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,That saved a wretch like me.I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now I see.
T'was Grace that taught my heart to fear.And Grace, my fears relieved.How precious did that Grace appearThe hour I first believed.
Through many dangers, toils and snaresI have already come;'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus farand Grace will lead me home.
The Lord has promised good to me.His word my hope secures.He will my shield and portion be,As long as life endures.
Yea, when this flesh and heart shall fail,And mortal life shall cease,I shall possess within the veil,A life of joy and peace.
When we've been here ten thousand yearsBright shining as the sun.We've no less days to sing God's praiseThan when we've first begun.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound,That saved a wretch like me.I once was lost but now am found,Was blind, but now I see.
