What Really Matters

Sunday

Back in the ring! Michigan, here I come!

What a busy morning for all of us! Mike and I put the finishing touches on Alexa and Morgan’s bedrooms! I reorganized the girls closets and drawers and Mike went grocery shopping. Yes, grocery shopping! It’s really cute watching Mike take on a new role at the Paharik Home. In fact, when we kissed “goodbye” today, Mike said, “thank you for helping me with the house!” Haha!! It was a joke but true, it’s usually me saying that to him when we have to pull together as a team to get a job done. I know he’s trying to get a promotion, he wants the CEO Paharik title but it won’t happen! Lol! I’ll be back in action before long and he will continue his Director of Sales role and travels as we always had.

When I left the girls were eating lunch, they all jumped out of their seats to hug and kiss. No crying, no sadness…just happy goodbyes! I drove off thinking, that wasn’t bad. Maybe we are all getting used to “goodbyes.”

The flight went well, I slept! I was so tired, I didn’t even see us take-off.

We landed. I woke up. Walked to baggage claim and then I boarded the bus to get my rental car.

Then it hit me… a whirlwind of thoughts! A Hertz bus, a driver, a man and myself. Staring at my luggage, thinking about the next bend in the road. Seven weeks is a long time. It’s a very long time without your children. Especially when your life is about your children.

As I gazed out the window, I couldn’t help but think about my first “cancer” trip to Michigan. The trip that marked Alexa and Morgan’s first flight. The trip that put the “C” in cancer for me. I thought about my life and what it was like then. How the Paxxxxk’s where like every other family, raising three little girls, trying to make a living. A life full of utter chaos but the kind of chaos you rest your sleepy head at night and smile at all the things that made you frustrated.. The chaos that left you feeling complete. Feeling loved. Feeling hungry for the next day, like a juicy steak, sizzling on the grill, in sight , yet not quite ready to taste. Other than daddy traveling, the kids never had to say “bye” to either of us before cancer. We laughed. We smiled. We giggled. We knew where we would be the next day and we never raised question if we would be alive the next month. It was that first trip to Michigan, we no longer “knew.” We no longer laugh, smile and giggle as a family on a daily basis. Most of our time in the past months have been planning for the next phase, researching and trying to function in multiple cities. Everything is much more complicated and unplanned. But we still have each other, our family and we know God is with us the whole way.

The bus came to a red light. I looked around. Cars coming and going. More buses. Planes could be heard passing above. All I could think about was the time I’ve missed with the girls. The time I’ve missed as a family. The time I will miss from the girls. I realized on the Hertz bus how all the “important” things in my life came to a standstill and the walls didn’t crumble, I was not judged when things weren‘t perfect. These “important” things are no longer important…it doesn’t matter if the house is clean, the laundry is done, the girls are entertained. It doesn’t matter how much money or how little money we have. It doesn’t matter what kind of car I drive or where I live. It doesn’t matter what I wear or how I look. The other day I opened a letter from a collection agency, stating I owe over $14,000.00 in medical bills, that was from October alone. Now paid, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I let the mail build up for two months so I could care for my health and play with my children. What matters most is we have a relationship with God, have faith and love in our lives. What matters most is I am living and my children and husband are happy and healthy. What matters most is we have family. We have friends. We have love and are loved. All the things that are free in life.

What matters most now is God gave me this chance to see what matters most because in the end, without life, nothing matters. Without life, everything comes to a standstill and the stresses come to an end. Then what, you look from above, watching your children play, watching your husband hold the family together…his life spread thin, wishing you realized what mattered then.

Today, I strive to live for what matters!