Wednesday, September 26th
A picture of Maria (my oldest sister) and Alexa
At last! We arrive in Detroit!! I rush off the plane, take the girls to the restroom and off to baggage claim! My poor girls, so exhausted! They woke up at 4:00 am when the people started waking, preparing for their departure. As I approached baggage claim, looking above for a sign with my flight number, I hear “h-e-l-l-o!” I lower my eyes and there she was, my sister, Sonia!! She had her son in a stroller and had been searching all the possible flights and airlines arriving around 10:00 am, hoping we’d be on one of them! Fortunately, I had twins and am often noticed. Another woman remembered us and told her we were on this flight! I wanted to cry. I wanted to just hug her and never let go. I was so tired, my girls were tired and I had a very important appointment an hour from now! We went our separate ways… she with 3 kids, me alone. I was at peace knowing my girls were safe and could soon sleep in a bed.
I arrived at the University of Michigan Hospital with 10 minutes to spare! As I entered the Cancer Center I began to feel overwhelmed with emotions. I had NEVER entered a Cancer Center. I looked around at the people, often wondering which one of the many had cancer. I was very saddened by the balded children, obviously fighting for their lives. I thought I was young, these kids haven't even finished early education! All the time, listening to the upbeat and helpful staff guide people. I stopped to pick up EVERY brochure in their facility. At some point, I wondered why I was doing this because I have not been told, “yes, you do have cancer.” But I continued to stuff my backpack with all this cancer literature. We all know I love organic products now but I still don't recycle. So wasting a tree never crossed my mind. (This is where I stop to slap my hand!lol! ) I filled out some forms and they gave me a “blue card.” It was blue, the size of a charge card and it had my name embossed on the bottom. I thought, how cool, I can actually hand it to the doctor and say, "charge it, please!" Lol!
No sooner did I sit down, my name was called! “Eva Pax-x-x” Yup, that’s me! I go by anything close!
All the same stuff, weight (Thank goodness I didn’t wear an overstuffed bra, adding unneeded weight!), height, blood pressure and temperature. I’m then taken to the doctor’s room , asked to get undressed waist down and put on a gown. Shit, my feet stink! C’mon, I haven’t showered, I‘ve been sweating stress for hours in shoes without socks!! Who would think this would be my primary concern as a patient in a cancer center!!? It was! Lol! I changed in to the gown, jumped on the table and prepared my notes and recorder. Of course, I still smell my feet! I looked around and there it was, the solution. They had a scented antibacterial solution. It soon smelled like a sweet spring day!
So here she comes, Dr. Bearman (the surgeon)! Young, beautiful and soft spoken. Her AP also joined us. Naturally, I had to tell them my story of the past 24 hours, conquering the inevitable! (Really, I just told them this so they would believe I do have good hygiene!) Dr. Bearman proceeds to tell me who reviewed my pathology slides, who read my MRIs and doctor notes. She then says, “Eva, you have been diagnosed with High Grade Myxoid Liposarcoma and are in stage 3B, we need to run more tests to see if you are in stage 4.” Call me crazy but I did look around for that other person. If she didn't say "Eva" in the beginning I probably would have stuck my stinky feet in my stinky shoes and went to another room! No, she was talking to Eva. Kinda like my girls repeating my behavior when they get in trouble, "ear me!" You know a mother's famous words, "do you hear me?!" Lol! This is 5 minutes in to the appointment. I think the last bit of energy just zipped right out of me. I just wanted to lie down and sleep. Never did I think High Grade. Never did I prepare questions for High Grade. What now? My eyes started to fill with a tear in each but I couldn’t even get it to flow. The tear just sat there, blurring my vision. Just like my future, a blur. I didn’t know what to say. Of course, I had no questions; I couldn’t even process High Grade Sarcoma. I mean, I read about High Grade Sarcoma but our doctor in Memphis said IF it was sarcoma, it would be low grade. He emphasized the odds of it being High Grade, they were single digit!
That’s when I realized, this is reality! I am Eva Paxxxxx, a mother of three, a Paxxxxx wife, a Martinez sister and daughter, fighting High Grade Myxoid Liposarcoma, stage 3B.
All the research I done stated a Sarcoma center was needed to get a good diagnosis. It often said, a pathologist would find it difficult to diagnose sarcoma because it was so rare, they probably never saw slides for this. But this was a Sarcoma center and they had no problem typing a new pathology report stating this diagnosis. It did not say “favorable” like my Memphis report. Even Dr. Bearman was confident in this diagnosis; she let me record my visit.
She then told me the next steps.
I would start with 12 weeks of Chemotherapy in 4 cycles. I would be injected Chemotherapy for 8-10 hours on three consecutive days. I would then have 2 ½ weeks to recuperate and start the cycle over. At 6 weeks, if another MRI doesn’t show my tumor responding to the chemo, they would immediately stop the chemo and proceed with surgery and radiation, I then suppose it's hope for the best.(?) If I do complete the 12 weeks, I will still need an invasive surgery and radiation will follow. Naturally, there is a different way of administering chemo, the combination of drugs and chemo schedule for Sarcoma. That being said, it is best I have my treatment done at their facility in Michigan.
The goal of the Chemotherapy is not necessarily to shrink the tumor, rather kill any atypical cells in the rest of my body that may be growing already. Sarcoma spreads fast and it is common to go to the lungs or organs next. However, the existing tumor will be a measuring “tool” to see if my body is responding to the treatment.
After an hour or so, she wished me well and said they would be in touch. I then waited for the Oncologist.
As I sat there, in this room filled with a spring aroma, I began to get real sad. I even tried to conference in Mike. (My quick thinking sister gave me her cell phone but I had a weak signal!) Never did either of us expect this. If we did, he would have been there. I asked Mike to stay in Memphis with Elena and wrap up his work. I really thought we’d have to go in to surgery not knowing and this would be scheduled the first week in Oct. I was real scared. It was more like, oh shit! Pray Eva, just start praying! The thought of chemotherapy never crossed my mind. I think back on the moment and it was the lack of knowledge of chemotherapy that scared me. Not the idea, the fight or the side effects.
I felt so lonely, sitting in this room with no one to comfort me. Here I was, facing death and never seeing my girls grow up if I didn't fight! For once in my life, I wanted someone to just reach out and hold me. Let me cry and let me hold them. I needed my Mike. I needed my girls. I needed my family. I needed my friends. I was so shocked, I couldn’t cry. I even tried to cry, I hoped that would help me swallow, but I just couldn’t. I really had a lump in my throat that prevented me from swallowing. But it was God who comforted me and lifted me to continue my day.
Thank goodness for the knock on the door!
Dr. Chugg! Another sweet, young and pretty gal! I was excited about my cancer team!! If I have to take this route, at least I have a very pleasant team of woman. I’m sure they understand this cancer thing better than guys, remember, the cancer gender is female! Smile! Who else knows us best than our kind!lol!
Dr. Chugg went over a lot of the same results as Br. Bearman. However, she elaborated more on the cancer treatment rather than the surgery and tumor. Dr. Chugg said this was nothing I did, nothing I could pass to my children, nothing someone could catch, rather bad luck! Of course, I started thinking of the ladders I walked under or the mirrors I broke, where they in the past seven years? Lol! She said I had a poor prognosis, mostly because of the tumor size and depth. She was very concerned about it spreading or possibly had already spread. Thus, she ordered a CT chest scan. However, I had to be in a whole different facility in 10 minutes! So we cut the appointment short and I drove North, then South, then North and again South on US 23. Losing 25 minutes! I am convinced, I will never know what direction I am driving, even if my car says N, S,W and E! I still don't understand why they can't just say, right or left! But I finally made it and the team there was very kind to work me in! It was at this appointment I found time to call Mike and Sonia. I simply stated the facts as they told me and I hung up. Nothing like being hit by a dump truck! haha!
I finally began my drive to Sonia’s house. Excited to see the girls and eat! I had not eaten since 6:30 AM and then it was a half eaten muffin the girls didn’t want, but I was still alive to eat!
That’s when I realized, I just wanted to go home. I wanted to get on I-40 and head to Nashville. Never really making it to Nashville. I wanted to drive and drive and drive. Since I couldn’t just drive and drive, I decided to shop. I went to Wal Mart (rather a mall), already thinking of Mike and the finances. Lol! All of a sudden, I felt like a burden. I felt like my medical bills may one day affect my children. The shortage of money could prevent them from the best. Would they care about the best if they had their mommy, absolutely not? But it’s a mother’s guilt when you can’t give them more. I felt like their rock would be gone. Actually, Mike’s rock too! Haha! I worried about being a burden to my sister and her family. For once in my life, I NEEDED help. I NEEDED others in every way. I just couldn’t believe this fight would last the rest of my life, however long that may be. Again, I tried to cry and just let my emotions run. I couldn’t. I just knew I had a long fight ahead of me and I was already tired.
When I arrived at Sonia’s house, all the kids where so happy! Eager to tell me about their day with Aunt Sonia. All the smiles, the “come ‘ers” to show me where they napped (in Princess bedding) and dinner on the table. A confirmation, they will be ok. My oldest sister, Maria helping with the kids. (Of course, Sonia may differ the “helping” part. Lol!) My sister Teresa returning from business in Flint, MI to see us. My brother-in-law greeting me with hugs and smiles as he fed his youngest son. Sonia, out buying more stuff to accommodate my girls stay! My other family members calling to get an update. Acknowledging all this, it was very hard to feel sad. It was hard to have a pity party knowing I have a lot more than some people facing cancer.
So we ate and ate and laughed and laughed...all night! We watched the video of my first kickboxing match, when I was not quite trained nor in shape! Basically, my head went north, south, east and west but I never gave up! I fought and fought as best as I could, until the end!!
I willfight! I will win! I will pray for the strength!
