Our Road Trip To Michigan!

Watching the clock, wondering where the "tick-ticks" have gone. Wondering when everything turned digital, what happened to the hand that made the sound, letting you know, yet, another second has gone by. Yet another breath has been taken, another day was lived.

Friday morning the girls and I waited for Mike’s arrival. Our SUV loaded with "stuff." The only thing I knew for sure, clothes would be needed. This very morning another physical reality. It was this morning; my list was incomplete. I found no reason to pack my blow dryer. I found no reason to pack my hair straightener, perfecting my wavy hair. I put it in my bag, then took it out. Put it in. Took it out. Would I need it, would I not. Finally deciding to leave it behind, facing the reality I’ll have no hair. As I looked in the mirror, admiring my features, acknowledging my frown. I just can’t imagine not seeing myself gray, not seeing my wrinkles. Knowing now, there’ll never be a facelift, no need for hair coloring, just happy to see gray, happy to see wrinkles.

There we went the girls with their videos. Me with my cheerleader! Mike! "C’mon honey, let’s go get ‘em!" OK, here was guy, much like a boy who lost his dog, now patting the players butts, full of his ra-ra! Or maybe he was flirting! Lol! Whatever it was, I was ready to get em!

We arrived to Patricia’s house in time for dinner. Many great friends eager to see/meet us. Many words spoken, many words heard, my how cancer was so far, far away. Watching the kids play with new friends, smiling to know, Patricia will be "ok" too. The very next day, waking to accept I still had cancer we had to go. I sat on her couch, remembering our times in Cincinnati. How Mike and I had chosen this area each summer for vacation. (Maybe we were cheap, no hotel bill to pay! lol!) Remembering the beautiful Christmas we recently shared in Cinci and the many trips we made here to just get away. Now I wasn’t sure how many more but I just hoped this day I get another stay.

We arrived in Michigan, unpacked the kids. They were so excited to see their cousins. Elena claiming her bed, sharing a room with Ahmed. Alexa and Morgan excited to know, their Princess bedding was still there for them. Their room so tidy, Bella to protect them. Another great meal eaten, how the weight doesn’t matter. Knowing the pounds I’ll lose, knowing the fight I have, I need the food. By evening, Aunt Sonia taking my role. She bathed them all, two at a time. Read a story and fed them a snack. We felt so relieved, so assured, they’ll do just fine! Aunt Sonia and Uncle Emad carrying the load with sweet smiles, their loving touch, what I thought only a mommy and daddy can have.

As I helped my father build a nightstand at Sonia's, I watched him work. He guided me, I guided him. He continuosly asked, "What's the plan?" I could see his heart in is palm, waiting for the right moment to hand it to me. Wanting so bad to exchange the pain with his daughter, exchange the feeling of death. I know he's strong but I know he's scared. I can't even imagine what a father feels knowing his daughter has cancer. The sleepless nights caught in his face, the teary eyes under the lid. I wish I was me, I could help. My life lived better, knowing everyone "ok!"

It was now time for me to leave my girls. To say goodnight, but know I will see them tomorrow sometime. Mike and I settled in our apartment, if you have to take this route, make it home. Naturally, I can’t unpack until I have cleaned every corner and washed all the linens! I woke up this morning to a beautiful place called home. Hearing no sound, hearing no kids, I knew I had to stay busy. We gathered our stuff and headed to Whole Foods. Conveniently arriving to Sonia’s in time for dinner! Sonia’s house so settled six kids not to be found. But all in the house, a house full of love.

As I put the girls in their bed, I began to cry. I wanted them to know why mommy wouldn’t be seen for so many days. I wish I could explain or ensure they understood.

How do you say "Mommy has cancer, mommy may die, mommy may be a statistic you read?"

You don’t, you can’t! You just fight to not face death, death by cancer and live each moment!

Just Elena and me, lying in her bed. I held her tight, I continued to cry. I told her "I love you," she said "I love you too." She then turned to me, held my face with one hand, the other busy, thumb in her mouth. She wiped my tears and took all my fears. She said "mommy don’t be sad." I rubbed her back, twirled her hair and continued to talk knowing she was fast asleep. My heart so broken, so many pieces, so many edges but it’s still beating!

Alexa and Morgan were still giggling in their bed. So I lay there with them, trying to be strong. Just staring at each of them, noticing their differences. Wanting to hold them, rock them and sing. Like we always did when we didn’t know monsters exist. I thought about the many changes we’ve had since we’ve known and how my girls accepted this pace. As their sleepy eyes fell, I prayed to God. I asked that he help me by sparing my family. Please let them rest, let them have faith, let them be healthy, let them be happy each and every day. Take my life if you spare the others, never letting them know cancer or any other life threatening illness. My promise to exchange.

Tonight I pray my laughter will exist, my smile will be seen and I will continue to have the courage and strength to fight for my life. I know I will fight, I will have the courage and faith to see brighter days!

So... let’s go get 'em! ( I think Mike has a mouse in his pocket with the "let's")

God Gave Me The Strength: First Round of Chemo

Monday, September 8th, 2007

Once again, those familiar revolving doors, those all too familiar words hung above, "Cancer Center."

There we were, my backpack full of books for school, yes I’m still taking my exams, Lol!,and my Vera Bradley bag filled with "other." Already thinking about the memories my bag gave me, a wedding gift, a "carry all" for our honeymoon in Hawaii. The time in our life when everything was peaceful, a future full of dreams.

We stopped for directions to Radiology and where kindly escorted. Already feeling relaxed, I made a great choice, University of Michigan Hospital was the place for healing!

We signed in for my port surgery but there was no need to call our name. Chatter Box Eva, still at the counter! (Actually it was Mike explaining his work, how we ended up in Tennessee. This is the only time he speaks, when I say "he sells poles!" Lol! Loving his career, explaining with passion.) The amazing team work, everyone having a part, the smiles and jokes, easing the prep. About thirty minutes later, I was rolled to surgery. My heart beating faster, my mind full of thoughts, my body so cold. A tear flowing, warming my cheek. I knew this was real, there was no turning back. I said a fast prayer, "God give me the strength, give me the courage, give me my health."

I look around the room, like a freezer box but some settling music and lots of faces. All with smiles, all with care, all assuring my time will be pain free and my port will be loved, a lot less sticks for me the next twelve weeks. Not even a metal table like I had when I delivered the twins, rather a cushioned one, changing my feeling of what’s to come. I was excited to know I fit on this table and even had room to grow! "The rest of the table?" I asked. When I delivered the twins! Lol! My how time has changed.

I dressed for the party, the net cap for my hair, the mask and oxygen. I even asked, where are the drinks! Lol! They all agreed, it’s not a party without a drink! Ouch, a shot! Then another followed. Four more without pain. Numbing the area. A slight sedation injected in my arm, they knew what they were doing, my sentence cut short! I fell asleep! (They told me later!) If only Mike can access these drugs, life would be great, football, baseball even golf. Not a word, not a comment, just the game! Lol! Good thing he left to earn his pay!

My surgery complete. I now have two bandages and an expensive port. One big bandage on my right side of my chest, the other just below my neck. I have a double port (one for me, one for Mike...wouldn't that be nice, for God made us "one" at I do!! Lol!) because the combination of drugs must enter my body together, like the space shuttle, needing a lift...ready to blast! Once again, showing my "blue card," charge it please! I have a lot of soreness and a lot of bruising yet more scars. But I know I will live to see them, even admire them for I will be living!

At last, chemotherapy! More vitals checked, more scale time, this time acknowledging an increase in weight by two pounds. I think I was confused, it wasn’t my last meal, like a prisoner facing punishment. Lol! Rather a weekend, gearing for my big day! "Mac" showed me my room, a bed with warm blankets, a chair for my visitor and a personal toilet... even a TV! She guided me to more food, more snack and drinks.

I could finally eat! My very concern, forget the weight!

By 11:30 am, I lye on my bed, eating my bagel, watching drugs flow. I watched it and watched it. Digesting the thought but I had no emotions.

Just the will to fight! I'm a big dreamer, I'm not alone! My family and friend's text messages and emails, each one a cheer! Not in the sidelines but on the field, along with me!

My mouth tastes of metal and my stomach a bit queasy. Yet no tears even fears. I was determined! I was full of life, reading my books, joking with the staff, sending my text messages. The queasy feeling dissipating, just the taste. I went potty a lot and drank a lot of water (like 12 oz every hour) and ate a snack every 30 minutes. Sometimes a bite, sometimes the cracker but we did it, no feeling of tossing!

Mike arriving after a "day at the office" just after 7:00 pm. He brought me the best organic pasta and bread, offering his pizza, but sparing no waste! I was excited to know I wanted to eat! I was told they can give you a drug to make you eat and help the naseau, no thank you today.

Soon after, I was given my pass. I can go "home!" But not alone…I have a fanny pack attached to my waist, the contents being a pump and a bag of drugs to continue my chemotherapy, I will wear this for the next 48 hours, as the drugs continue to enter my body, fighting my fight as I lay my head to rest for the night.

Ready to roar by morning! Ready to soar!

Please pray we have another great day and we are granted the strength!

I miss you guys, I miss my life, I miss my kids but it is all your kind thoughts, all your kind prayers, all your kind comments that bring me my joy in a world full of drugs!