Radiation Planning

Sunday: February 3rd

OK, here's my attempt to catch up the blog! This may be difficult because Blogspot assigns the date, so it's hard to "go back in time!" But, read the dates as they don't always coincide with the "posting" date.

An overnight trip to Michigan for radiation planning was needed. The doctors believe I can benefit from IRT Three Dimensional Radiation Planning because my tumor was superficial. By customizing the treatment for me specifically I may be spared some bone and muscle damage in the future. So, another special trip to Michigan is needed today…

Sunday morning, Mike, the girls and I headed to a small airport in Millington. Through a program called Lifeline, I was able to get a flight to Michigan via a private plane. I was so excited for the kids to come along, as I vision the take-off to be much more personal than commercial airlines. You know the “departures” you see in the movies. Where the family hugs and kisses the passenger, waving bye from a window until they can no longer be seen. That’s what I dreamed of happening this morning. Everyone smiling, kissing mommy goodbye for the night sharing sweet hugs. Also, Elena’s been studying transportation in school so this was the perfect opportunity to add to her studies! Elena could actually see the inside of a plane, touch, feel…

… Instead, she cried. Each tear rolling softly down her face, only repeating, “I don’t want mommy to go,” Alexa and Morgan offering kisses and hugs, not sure what was really happening. The Hinshaws patiently waiting for me to say goodbye and board their plane. I hugged each of them, holding back tears of my own, praying my heart wouldn’t break…forgetting to kiss Mike goodbye. He not forgetting, asking for his kiss as I stood there torn, not wanting to go with Elena in tears, wishing I made arrangements for her to come along, but knowing I had to finish my mission. Grandma and Grandpa at the house, waiting for their return. I know they could mend her heart and keep her busy but I was sad knowing I caused those tears.

I boarded the plane, buckled in and looked for them through my window. I saw them outside the door, watching as we prepared for take off. Me still waving but no one could see. Then they moved inside the doors, again waving, still no one able to see mommy. I finally felt the warm tears, thinking about Elena. Thinking about these three little girls who have gone through so much the past five months. From sleeping in airports and on air mattresses in our apartment to the comfort of Aunt Sonia’s home and our home. The many long 12 hour drives across the States. The many loving friends and family who have helped us care for them, some being introduced for the very first time. Often asking who was picking them up from school today. Yet, so far…they all appeared to be doing well. But today, Elena vocalizes her wishes and displayed her sadness. What’s a mother to do?

I headed to Michigan.

Monday morning, I arrived to the University of Michigan’s Radiation Oncology Department. Impressed as always, they had a system to keep you moving. I checked in and waited in the lobby. I was given a pager, when the pager lit up, I was to enter the double doors and I would be directed. The lobby was filled with patients and families. There was an area for children to play, a TV, a computer and a coffee bar. The walls were filled with literature, from Yoga to eating well with cancer!

Just as I got comfortable surfing the net, my pager lit up! For a quick second, I thought my “table” was ready! Haha! You know, like the restaurant pagers letting you know…dinner time! Lol! Only this time, the table was a medical table, ready to zap me! Haha.

The planning part was also impressive. First, we discussed what radiation is and the side effects. On several occasions, the doctor explained I probably won't be able to conceive children in the future. I said "ok." Then again, she brought this side effect up. She highly suggested I talk to their social worker about my options for children. I thought to myself, I'm blessed with three, I'm really ok. Finally, after the third discussion on this matter in 30 minutes, I said, "I'm 37, my husband's going to be 41 and we have three toddlers now. I don't feel this is of importance at this time." This poor doctor, she was so blushed, she thought I was in my 20s! Haha! Isn't that ironic, when men lose their hair, we tend to think they look older, when woman lose their hair, we think they are in their 20s! And so we continued to discuss the other potential side effects. For me, it was mostly fatigue, skin irritation and breaking short term. Long term, infertility,bone breaks and muscle stiffness. I may end up walking with a limp but I hope to live a long life and have time to worry about that later! :>)

Second, I had to lay on the table and find a comfortable position. Once I found this position, the doctor came in and positioned my leg so the radiation beam would aim at the area were the tumor was and the direction that they felt was needed. It was not hard to find, it was like a Michigan road…with a huge pot hole! Then a mold was made. They filled a bag with some substance from under me. It was real warm and gooey. I lifted my right side of body onto the bag and let it take it’s form. Soon after, the substance hardened and my leg and thigh were marked up with “X”s with a bright blue Sharpie. Yes, a Sharpie!, like the permanent markers we hide from the kids! They will tattoo me in a few weeks with blue dots that will permanently mark the area that is radiated. These are truly tattoos, they will never wash away or be removed. Hmm, I’m not sure I like that part but I’ll consider them my friendly reminders as to how short life can be! :>) I was so thankful I didn’t have some great vacation to the Bahamas planned! Not only could I drink my Martinis from the “cup” that was permanently in my thigh (where the tumor was removed) but I could find many road maps as well! Lol! And so, that ended my role in the IRT Planning! I was excused until February 18th @ 3:00, when I will start my first radiation treatment.