Thank God for the Bell!

Today, I dream of my life. What my life used to be. I see myself in the mirror as another person, trying to see through the obvious. Crying, wanting cancer to go away. This is the strongest I’ve ever been. (Really, I used to be named “Crop Grower” when I was younger!) Knowing this is the hardest fight I’ve ever fought! Just being so lost to who Eva is. How much I laughed, how much I enjoyed talking, never meeting a stranger, always trying to make life easier for someone else. Today, a shadow of my life.

My life filled with pleasure from my girls…their laughter, their whines, their cries, and their love…their silliness they share.

I miss Elena’s tender heart and affection. I miss her closeness, always standing by me, left thumb in her mouth, right hand stroking my arm. How strong and vocal she can be when she’s in her comfort zone. Taking charge of her sisters. But always taking concern for others, never hurting another. I miss her big green eyes!

Morgan, the baby of the family. How much I miss standing in the kitchen, preparing another meal, meeting her eyes with mine, smiling to receive one in return. I miss her soft, gentle hands in mine. Taking our steps, one at a time, a pace that allows one to see the details. I miss her hugs, I miss her standing in the kitchen, holding my leg as I cook, chatting about her day. I miss her singing and dancing, everything so musical!

I miss my Alexa and worry about her too. A time when she needs the hugs, she needs her mommy’s comfort, I am not there. I am not there when my babies need me most. Alexa and Morgan recently changed roles, Morgan much stronger now, Alexa now needing the comfort of her mother. She needs the smile, needs the warmth of your body, letting her know everything is ok. I miss her laugh, her craziness and all the spunk. I miss her sitting in my lap, placing her head on my chest, wanting that feeling of a newborn love.

How much I want to explain cancer and the fight I fight to continue to be their mommy. And they truly understand why mommy has to leave. Why mommy can’t read because it hurts my head. Why mommy has to lie down, to get some rest, when everyone else can play. I want them to truly understand. Know mommy’s not choosing this path but mommy’s trying to fix it. I hurt when we plan an outing and they question if I am going, I always got to go.

As I sit here, hooked to a friend’s MySpace page, playing her choice of music, feeling these feelings, “From This Moment” by Shania Twain plays, I think of my wedding day. A day so perfect for Mike and I, cruising the Boston inner coast, yet 11 days before (9/11), over 3,000 people died, instantly. How Mike completed my life. I miss the warmth, the hugs, and the kisses of my husband. I miss being his “brown eye girl,” the girl I was when we met. The girl I was when we had children. The girl I was before cancer. When everything seemed so right. When the fight was only for the moment.

I miss the conversations of a daily life, I truly miss it all.

But I needed today. I needed to be alone, no one near. Let it out behind a computer screen, knowing you will read. You should know, I am a fighter, but I am human. For everyday can’t be strong. Everyday isn’t a happy day. Everyday is not filled with laughter. Behind my eyes, behind my smile, I do have fear. I do have gloom. I must be strong to win this fight, but every fight in the ring is allowed a break, a break well needed. Thus I took my break.

I am very weak today but determined to get on that plane, boarding tomorrow to Memphis. Hope to see you guys in another week. Due to my bloodcounts, side affects and fatigue, I will mostly sleep but in my bed, near my girls, with my husdand.