A Christmas To Remember!-Dec. 2008, click on pic to enlarge.
One year today, returned home from Michigan, after an 8 month battle with cancer!
Impossible to walk alone. It’s been quite some time since I last updated my blog for the world’s support and to support others. The inner feelings of a cancer patient read by others, shared and sometimes discussed. How do you relate to a cancer mom with toddlers. A wife with cancer. A sister with cancer. A friend with cancer. And before March of last year, a daughter with cancer. But the writings stopped. The emails came, “Are you ok?” For some writers, a translated “Are you alive?” I recall reading blogs myself, those that had no ending, no recent updates, left for an imagination, I pondered the same.
My decision to no longer post was difficult and selfish. I decided to not post my feelings, my cancer life. Quite frankly, the “disease was not progressing.” But I was not in remission. I begged, pleaded and most of all, prayed to live. I was living and gifted many days. Here was my chance. I wanted life without cancer. No talk of it. No daily reminder and most of all, I needed to save my energy for my family. I wanted others to hold their judgment, was I making the right decisions, was my life lived as a gift? I mean, we all know it’s our natural tendency to offer advice, wanting the best for others.
So there I lived. The sunshine even brighter, the moon bigger. Every blade of grass stroking my feet as I pranced around, not missing a beat, appreciating my cancer free leg. Grateful it’s my leg and not Mike’s! My friends and family by my side, this time with a drink, the only tears shared where a result of big belly laughs. Or tears of pain when Alisa had me at Prarie Life Fitness Boot Camps weeks after my return. Someone please help her! The girls and I playing, catching up on the fun, so many crafts to do so much to say. Most importantly, the hugs and kisses, mommy was home and home to stay! My family, his family….now familiar faces, a bond only cancer would give them. Grateful I am. Loving the fact, our guest room has officially been named “Grandma & Grandpa’s room.” Even to date! Every day I thank God for my blessings. For all the support in every way, shape and form that was provided to our family. Life was no longer taken granted. Small things became even smaller things. (Let’s be realistic, I am still human, they didn’t always become irrelevant, I’m working on that) And the ducks! I drove all the way to Hutchison to see that darn duck I missed so much as I lay in bed recovering from chemo! They are beautiful, our waddles the same.
The routine of Eva’s life began, we hit Orlando for downtime, summer camps started, dates with Mike, outing with friends….all the time, cancer like an old boyfriend who didn’t want to be old….lurking, stalking, waiting for the moment of bliss….for him at least. I trained every day. MY heroes ready to take my challenge. Jack and Fitz. 6 days a week, one class or another, even venturing to private lessons. My body took form. I recall Jack complimenting me, “You did great today!” What a nice thing to hear after an hour of Step, only I took half the steps as I learned the groove. The smell of sweat never smelled so sweet. For the first time in my life, I had friends at a gym! I was Eva, no talk of cancer, but they knew. Then I met Fitz, another amazing man. My leg often dragging as it approached the next step, he had me climbing on a weight bench free of pain, free of support. Like conquering Mt. Everest. One step at a time, blessed with each breath. I often felt the tears. Something so small, something so humble….dreams I hadn’t thought of for I only prayed to live. These men gave me hope, let me trust my faith. How I ever came to love my friend Alisa, I wasn’t really sure. After finishing two hour boot camps with well trained people, I know she believes too. I thank my family for respecting my wishes, hard I know, please refrain from discussing, I’ll tell you. They watched my candle burn, never knowing how long. It’s the simple love I longed, you beleived in my health and encouraged me to fight.
Without a warning, without a sign, feeling I chose the right path, my life was out of control. When I returned home, I was once again mommy and “sweetie”….Mike always calls me that. Always wondering where the “sweet” came from when dealing with me. LOL! Even lost my “Chemo Girl” title. Rocky RIP. Friends wouldn’t even let me use it to my advantage. Nope, nope, nope…with a sprouted head of hair, you are who you were BC. LOL! (Before cancer) My daily fears were released through shower tears. Nightly cries from pain, frustration and loss of hope. For only I could bare this site, an unknown emotion by others. At times, my girls would ask, “Mommy are you sick? Are you going to see Aunt Sonia?” I looked away, holding them tight. Wondering if they would understand, it wasn’t my fault, I fought til the end. At times addressing, what may need to be said. Notes in stockings, “Merry Chirstmas, it’s now 2009, know I am with you, in spirit and in heart. I love you…” or a message from mommy, “Now you are 15, Quincieanera will be celebrated…”, sharing my dad’s card to me, when I was just 15, his words of wisdom. Life lived different, lived for today. ! I wasn’t “Eva with cancer” nor was I Eva.
Who am I?
This question took me many months to know, I am not. April 1, 2008. So vivid in my memory, bags packed, radiation at 7:00 am and on a noon flight heading home. 12 week cycles of 12 hour days of chemo, pounds of tumor and thigh muscle left for dissection( ok maybe sum fat, lol), and 6 weeks of radiation…words of the past. I remember my feelings that day, how could I forget. Happy to return, but challenged with the need to grieve, I just lost my father, my last living parent.
Little did I know, the worst was yet to come?
The achy joints, midnight sweats, muscle weakness, the frequency of mood swings that patterned the beating heart. My body in post menopause, no estrogen or progesterone. My ovary fried. My liver was failing, my mind was gone…memories became subtle thoughts; the details lay in a land of chemicals known as chemo. The same chemo that saved my life. How bitter sweet! My frustrations began. Eager to sleep, but no time for that, I was mommy and Mike was at work. We had our times, a time of separation. Only I can understand. Thank God he did too. I had difficulty breathing. My eyes burned from the inability to produce tears, many mornings, the lid stuck to the eyeball. “Just a minute, mommy can’t see. “ Things took a turn. All this happening behind that familiar smile. A smile that formed so often was now with pain. Meanwhile friends complimenting how great I look. Thank you morphine, I stopped feeling at all. Why I never knew, why other blogs forgot, maybe they were grateful for the next breath, pain or not.
My battle began once again, July 2008. Despite my ailments I knew Rocky didn’t want to RIP! :>)
My battle words became “If you are going to take me home, you are taking me standing!” I never rest. I fear giving in, not getting up. Is this called running? I’ll never know. I never stop dreaming. I need to live. I want to live. I never forget today. I never live tomorrow until tomorrow. I pray to God, I ask for help. I love from my heart, I speak my words, who cares what they think. Humble we will be.
I started a party planning company, a forever dream, now reality. Again Ms. Cancer, (remember she’s a girl) I’ll show you, you sit and spin! I'm back at school. I have also decided, ok….maybe encouraged by big dog Maria to run a ½ marathon, Rock N Roll Chicago in August! Of course another workout adventure, Sarah has me convinced, reform pilates is on the list! I can’t believe I am working to such high goals but it is life, what better time. Who knows if there is tomorrow? We hope to soon sell T-shirts to raise money for my cancer clinic and I pray, a more promising cure will be found for the forgotten cancer, Sarcoma.
The days came at the end of 2008, I started getting worse. After many tests, I realized my pancreas was failing me. Our walls now scarred by my cancer as I gracefully fell like a puppet that lost its string. One body part at a time….more plaster and paint. For once in my cancer life, I began to question “hope.” I wondered if it would be easier to let go. Easier on my family. How much education I can buy with the money now spent, bills still flowing. Many nights, Mike propped on a pillow, watching me breathe. I tried not to look. Struggling for air. Radiation was difficult, a time it was. Weeks spent sleeping upright on a chair. But would you know? Would you know I was scared? Would you know, I fought my anger with a guy named Victor. Did he know? Every push up, every bench press, every grunt, but the fact was….he didn’t know, he just believed. My fight changed when I finished my last rounds of radiation and I was still training, I was still dreaming, I was still caring for my girls. The doctors gave me hope, yet again.
Surgery I went because I fought. Doctors said no. I found a way. Thoracoscopy (also called VATS -- Video Assisted Thoracic Surgery) Three small incisions were made on my lower side, a pretty easy surgery. Doctors biopsied 4 definite nodes, 1 questionable. It was questionable because these were removed via imaging. Thus, it appeared as one and now confirmed, indeed a tumor. These were all biopsied and have confirmed they are malignant! However, the one on my chest wall was sampled and is border-line cancer. High Grade Myxoid Liposarcoma the culprit again. (Same cancer as the tumor found on my leg) Now clearly diagnosed as Stage IV, only because it metastasized. A lymph node on my neck dissected by a needle, found no cancer. Simply hard, a result of chemo. Of course, we wanted benign and would love to say, oh well to the fact I fried some benign tumors with some unneeded radiation but not the case. The tumors were very small, some even 3.6x3.7, others 1-2 mm in size. Due to the non-invasive surgery I had, it was difficult to get clean cuts. Meaning, when they cut them out to be biopsied, they did not have normal tissue at the ends of the tumors. Again…you take the “birdie”, sit and spin, tumors...! LOL.
I also had my double port removed! How crazy am I?! Just a beleiver! No need for that. :>)
However!! ALL tumors were dead!! Achieved a 99%+ necrosis again… whoo hooo!! My months of radiation (Since last July) were a success!! Having said that, no I am not in remission and no I am not out of the woods, but I feel like I’m at the peak of the mountain and peering with the woods behind me and a bright green pasture of red tulips in front of me, (a flower that reminds me of my father)….waiting to enjoy the ride down to a more promising life of at least a year! I wish small, with big rewards!
The plan! 3-4 more weeks of radiation. This time I am doing what is called “cyber knife” radiation. This will allow me a quality life versus life. There is far less damage to the lung tissues and the margin of error is less than IMRT so they can really beam me up in less days and more time! My lung tissues are damaged from the past radiation, I’m just grateful it is localized and on the outer. I’m working on the plan as to where and when but I may start as early as next week. Fortunately this only slows me down, not knocks me down. Vegas, here I come!!! I will do a chest scan very month and go on a wait and see if there are no cancer related issues with the unknown. Keep in mind, I never wait and see. I use many alternative remedies and love my MonaVie, accupuncture, juicing and Chinese Herbs. I swear by them all. Mike swears by my bio-identical hormones. :>)
Here’s the unknown that keeps me spinning, time spent on hours of research! A brain MRI on Monday, the 9th. I’ve had ongoing headaches for 4 weeks and have struggled with the pressure of them. I’ve been tested for everything and did X-rays for sinus and more…no answer. The MRI is last resort. I also have the lump on my pelvic and back, near my spine that will be measured and advice will be given on both when they get the results. I had biopsies done on these once but they came back inconclusive. After these results are back, I will have a definite plan to a HOPEFUL RECOVERY (Docs think a bit premature but one must wish upon a dream!)and pray for never again! I am a survivor.
We can’t thank all of you enough for your support. From our family and friends to the Hutchison families who offered to prepare meals to Ms. Jamie who yet again was ready to roll in the food with our St. Paul Preschool Family whom we dearly miss. I thank my Facebook friends for all your words of support and humor lives, when I am exhausted from my day; I end it with giggles! I'm blessed with my sista-hood that I am. Thank you Becky, your patience is unheard of, I love your texts, you keep me fiesty! Thank you all!
