Baking Blueberry Pie with Aunt Pinky
Alexa and Elena baking!
Alexa's new haircut from Morgan and Elena!
Wow, today’s Friday! Another week of chemo side effects almost in the bag!! Maybe Santa will switch bags with me this year! Lol! Speaking of Santa, I am starting to look a lot like him, little legs and big pot belly!Lol!
This week was not nearly as bad as my second round at the same time, but instead some side effects are still dragging on! I’m really tired and crabby! OK, really crabby and that can be scary, a mommy on steroids and chemo drugs…look out!! Lol! I feel a lot of frustration and sadness this week.
I believe the hardest part of this cycle is accepting my failing energy as a result of chemo. I began to really think about the trade I have going. I chose chemo and I was aware of all the possible side effects but there is no fun living a drugged life for twelve weeks. My emotions are like checkers, jumping all over the board. My brain often failing me, not feeling as sharp as I used to be. I often find myself trying to understand cancer, why people go through this and how are people selected to have cancer. Still not asking, "why me?" Something I have never asked because I know "why me." I just need to get through this "cancer" thing to make the necessary life changes for the "why me." I keep praying and having faith in the chemo, my ability to handle even more, surgery and radiation. I know I can do it.
However, cancer leaves me frustrated, guilty and sometimes sad. We all know I love to talk! But with cancer, your mind goes. Your ability to think clear is shot. (Which is why I am rewriting this blog entry) I often find myself confused and forgetful. The worst part is the guilt. The guilt you carry each time you leave your family, having to say "goodbye," yet another week. The guilt you have when you do return, you are useless, impatient and unable to enjoy the girls. The guilt you have for your husband when he has to balance three toddlers, his stressful career and his sick wife. This guilt is a painful one.
It’s so frustrating to just lie in bed and not be able to offer a hand. To simply have to walk away when the going gets tough, no matter what the girls may be asking. To always be the observer. Most days I’m half-minded, unable to concentrate or carry a conversation that makes sense or that doesn’t require so much thought and effort. (Can you tell I'm crabby, yet? haha)
I remember one day this week, I lie in bed, my head hurt, my body ache of pain and I calmly talked to myself trying to ease the nauseas feeling I had. The wind from the open window was softly blowing past my hairless head, allowing each breath be filled with the cool crisp air. I felt horrible. Although my room was filled with quietness, the house was not. I listened to Pinky and the girls. Pinky was reading to the girls and the girls were sharing some of the same comments they told me. Then they started singing. Pinky knew all about Princesses and Dwarfs and fairytales. (The fairytales I always had to look up on the internet!haha) This morning, I found myself forming soft smiles. But wanting to be the one reading. Listening to the tears of one eye as they gently hit the pillow, the other eye forming a puddle in the corner, where my nose became a seawall. Remembering those days, the days when we started our girly silliness at 8:00 am. When the closest cancer I faced was my cousin’s breast cancer and even that was so far, far, away.
I missed my girls. I missed the fun we had. I missed my husband and friends. This week was so frustrating, the girls were so tired from our travels, and their behavior was very challenging. Each night, Mike and I talked about a “new” approach to discipline. Things just seemed out of control for us all. We desperately need the good ol’ days. The days when we laughed. We played. We sang. We cried of joy. The days when mommy had her role and daddy had his.
However, Pinky always made me feel better knowing my girls were taken care of. She was very much like a grandma to the girls. She patiently got them ready for school each morning. Each girl yelling “I want dis, I want ponies, I want tights.” Changing their minds on many occasions! She took them to and from school, always on a schedule. They sang, read books, baked a blueberry pie with their aprons she brought them! They had craft time and made snowmen! One morning I found them outside, Alexa and Morgan had her pushing them on the swing set in freezing cold weather! Knowing them, they probably told her mommy does this every day! Lol! She didn’t even fear the idea of taking three toddlers in the grocery when she needed! The girls always came home so excited, just full of energy! I think the best was, they always wanted to be in her room. Read the books she brought and use her toilet! As if her “Grandma” role wasn’t enough, she also took on a “mom” role to Mike and I. She shopped, cleaned our entire house DAILY, washed clothes, ironed, cooked, and even cleaned my car inside and out! I like to think of Pinky as a Momma on Wheels, she was always racing around the house, working so hard for everyone and never allowing herself a break! Each day I thanked God for Pinky and all that she is. We were blessed by an angel; I just pray she will come back! Lol!
Tomorrow, we will head to the Christmas tree farm and choose our tree! We will then spend the weekend decorating and bringing some holiday cheer in our home! We planned on taking a photo for our Christmas card but Morgan and Elena decided to give Alexa a haircut today!! I’ll share the story later, it’s still a touchy subject! Lol!
I still have headaches, body aches and anxiety but I hope each day, there will be less and less. Unfortunately, Morgan is sick and she had a fever all day today as well. Thus, we may have to start plan B if she wakes up with a fever because I am prone to infection until Tuesday. After that, my blood counts should improve.
As for my LAST chemo cycle… I will fly back to Michigan on December 9th! Yahooo! The girls will stay here with Mike and Aunt Gloria (Mike’s Aunt) will fly in to help him that week! As long as Pinky and Aunt Gloria don’t talk about the girls’ naughtiness prior, we’ll be ok! Haha! Lol! Ya have to love those “terrible threes” and “know everything” fours!
Again, thank you for all the sweet emails, pick me up cards and prayers. Mike and I are still praying REAL hard! We have a long way to go before we start the “every three month” checkups but I believe the chemotherapy is/was the hardest part and we are almost done!
