Picture of my daughters' way of brightening my day! Lol!
Well, I finished one day in mommy land! It was a great feeling getting the kids ready for school and out the door. It felt like any normal day but this time not rushing or worrying about the time!
We arrived to the school to be greeted by many friends! It was such an exciting feeling, almost like the end was near! The moment felt like any given day, stopping to talk, and talk, and talk and talk! Yup, that would be me! Another “Home Sweet Home,” everyone offering help and excited to see we were doing pretty good. I even forgot I was bald!
When I left the school, I turned right out of the parking lot. Knowing I live left! I wondered where I could go and not get sick, so eager to continue my day. But then Elena asked if we could go home, I thought, “Where I need to be.” We headed home…
We spent the day reading, writing and coloring! She was so happy to show me all she knew and trust me, she knew a lot! Around noon, I asked her if we could take a nap. This is what she said:
“Mommy, do you have cammsir today?”
“Yes, mommy has cancer today”
“But I thought you were sick?
“Well having cancer is a form of being sick. Remember mommy has good days and bad days until the cancer goes away”
“But you said it was a good day, remember you told me and sissy” (I woke up and said, “Come on girls, let’s get ready for school, it’s going to be a great day!”)
“So mommy where’s your hair? I thought you don’t have hair when you have cammsir”
“Mommy can feel good with cancer. But sometimes I may not; those are the days I need you to pray harder”
“Mommy, I want cammsir to go away. I want you to have your hair.”
“It’s ok if mommy doesn’t have hair, hair doesn’t make you beautiful. You are beautiful because of whom you are inside and cancer can’t take that away.”
“If cammsir doesn’t go away, do you go to heaven with that lady?” (Pointing to a picture of my mom)
“Honey, let’s go to bed.”
I laid there holding Elena, tears running down my face. Thinking about Heaven. Smelling her hair, stroking her cheeks. When I rubbed her back, she lifted her shirt, asking for more. (Lol!, just like mommy!) Wondering how she pieced all this together. How a four year old can have so many questions, many I don’t want to answer.
Instead of sleeping, I watched her sleep. Noticing every mole on her body, rubbing her legs, rubbing her head, rubbing her thighs, looking for lumps. Scarred to find the slightest bump.
I thought about my last appointment with the doctor. After hours and hours of research in Michigan, I concluded that this is it. I only have one fight with conventional medicine, she confirmed my thoughts! I will do one more cycle of chemotherapy and then they will do another MRI to see if the tumor shrunk. (Although my chemotherapy is adjuvant treatment (to kill any other cancer cells that may be ready to attack)…my tumor is the measuring device.) If it doesn’t shrink in three more weeks, chemo will be stopped and I will have surgery. My question was, and then what…hope for the best?
So I ask you tonight to please pray my body responds to the chemotherapy.
It helps to have a mix of treatment, conventional, inspirational and faith! We know I have the good eating down and it's obvious my girls aren't going for the McDonald's thing! Lol! I know with your help of prayer and support, I'll have many years only "dreaming" of what heaven may be!
This Halloween will be my first "holiday" without my girls. Initially I was bummed, I thought about how much I'll miss! It is the first year Alexa and Morgan could run up to doors, showing their Paharik side, begging for treats! Lol! But I'm trading it for many more years to watch! (I also set up my chemo to get out early so I can see my niece and nephews!) I mean really, how can you get bummed with the idea you are sending your child out to beg for candy, dressed like Snow White! Lol! I will also receive chemotherapy Thanksgiving week, but hoping it’s a swap for many more. I continue to look for the positive but leaving my girls to “rest in peace” will never be one of them! I will continue to fight and smile as I roll with the punches, happy to know my hair won't be in the way! Lol!
Oh ya! I want you to know, I am making life changes and I swear my girls are reading my blog! My friend, Penny came to see me. While we talked, my girls decided to decorate the walls! They put four purple marks on it a few weeks ago, apparently they thought it wasn't enough!! Needless to say, it hurts to yell, they had cancer on their side! Lol!
