The last few days seem more promising. My body so weak, even a walk to the kitchen so challenging. But most of my side affects are tolerable, some Chemo Girls don’t even have that! You figure I have nothing to do but eat my Bon Bons and watch TV! But I don’t watch TV nor eat Bon Bons, so I lay here thinking and thinking and when I can no longer think, I dream. (Sleep, Lol!) Now there’s a life we all wish for!
Or do we?
Yesterday, I watched the news. My mind in such an aww for the issues I saw. I watched Ellen from the “Ellen” show cry because something went wrong with a dog adoption. Then a lady so upset, she was evacuated from her home, nowhere to go for the night. Of course, Britney Spears…turning herself in to the police asking “Where’s the party?” How easy these problems seem to me, how we get caught up in life.
I eagerly waited for Mike to “get off work” in hopes I can search for nannies or help. Reading profiles, reading what they are willing to do versus what we may need them to do and etc. The whole time having to think of Alexa, Morgan and Elena being apart from me. Really thinking about what they need. I started viewing my photos on the Internet, remembering our better days.
From Births to Birthdays. Florida to Michigan to Texas. One month to four years. All captured for the eye. But it is then I wondered; When did we start living out of a bag? When did life get so complicated that we really never lived? We were always in a hurry, going to be late! Never really listening. Never really sharing a breathe. Never really laughing. Never really watching them grow! Of course we did all of them but was it really living?
Up until chemotherapy started, I felt I was ‘really living.’ Even the idea of cancer never stopped me from “living.” My day filled with things to do, places to be, people to see. From dusk to dawn. Always living for tomorrow. But when did I really stop living? I searched real deep. (We all know I’m a perfectionist, it was hard to admit, I may actually be wrong! Lol) I answered some real questions and found that it is only now that I’m beginning to live!!!
I thought about the months I took off work, when it was just Elena, Mike and I. How I would sit in a rocker for hours and hours, hoping she wouldn’t stop crying so I can continue. Never worrying about time, never worrying about life, just the three of us. Then we had Alexa and Morgan. By now, a new job title: CEO Paharik! (Still collecting on that raise! Lol) For three months, I lived in our bonus room. We set this room up so everything would be easy. A fridge, microwave, futon…couch by day, bed by night., swings, cribs and toys. Gazing out of the window. Reading to Elena while I nursed a baby. Everything seemed so easy, I know I was living then!
From then to now, life simply a big blur. But I thought I was living! I thought these where my better days!
Every morning, packing our lunches, packing our bags, ready to live our day. Often already stressed, prayin for an on-time arrival. I’d drop the kids off at school, sometimes forgetting a kiss or a simple hug. Off I’d go to my school, hoping to beat the traffic. Cussing along the way. When I finished classes, I’d run an errand or two. Wondering why they have cashiers, for they never went fast enough. Off to pick up Alexa and Morgan once again. So happy to tell me their day. I tried to think of what they said the last time I picked them up. I could not, I just know I was grunting! “Walk, walk…we are going to be late.” Then we’d go pick up Elena. Singing along the way! Ahhh, a break…I truly love carpool time. But never just sitting watching the ducks like the girls did (Yes, her school has ducks!), rather studying or reading the kids notes from school.
“Mommy, where duck?” “I don’t know, just keep looking, I’m sure they’re there.” “Mommy, look at the big duck.” “Yes, there’s a big one!” Never turning to see.
Now wishing I had that moment, shared with my girls, recalling that duck. Watching their joy.
I guess this is what I called living, being with my kids. Missing even more breaths.
Elena arriving with her school bag, eager to see us all. I would hear about her day because we had a long drive home. Now I’d start our night. The evenings spent cleaning the house or ironing all our clothes! (Yes, I even iron my children’s clothes) Making a perfect home. But is this living? Is this life? How did I make this choice, to put it all above living, enjoying the ride as I go?
Today, I wish I knew the date. I wish I knew when I stopped living because it wasn’t when the doctors said, “Eva you have cancer.” Every moment in my life, feeling all the pressure. A pressure I brought on, thinking I was living. I can’t believe how I let time run my life, how life was taken for granted. Our lives lived out of a bag. Just look around, I know you have one too! Lol! I realize I was with my girls, I worked hard for them and I cared for them. But they needed less. They need to know I love them, by caring for me too. They needed me to sit down, give them attention, assuring them it will always be “ok.” Children are living!
I pray today to get my second chance. To truly breathe, truly live, truly share my love and never lose my focus. Love only a mommy can share. I want to hold them and not worry about cancer or time. Rock them just because. I want to forget all the unimportant stresses like what to wear, what to pack, an organized home and more…and just live each day knowing without a beating heart, it really doesn’t matter.
I ask you do the same. Stop living from a bag. Sit on the floor, for hours and hours. Play with your kids. Watch them grow. Look at the ducks. All they need is our love. Don’t let your health take that away or make you realize you never had it and never have the second chance.
I realize life is so much more. People need your love. They need your hugs. They need your attention. They need your words. You need your family. You need your friends. You need your faith. You need your health.
