.jpg)
I would be inhumane if I said I never thought about the possibility I could die from cancer. Would I? I’m no God (don’t tell Mike I confessed this, lol!), I only live the life he chose for me, but I do know, allowing myself to think of the possibility has some rewards. Read on…
It’s amazing all the things you begin to notice in a life you live in and have lived in. From the flowers to the rain, the grass to the trees and the skies to the sun! Almost like life in slow motion, something I know NOTHING about!
Last night, Mike and I both tossed and turned. I could tell when he was dreaming of me and when he was thinking of me! When he was dreaming of me, he was breathing heavy! No, nothing kinky! Probably some scary dream, like the idea he’d have to spend yet, another weekend shopping for kid shoes! We are girls, girls do like to shop, ya know? I enjoyed these moments; I laid there looking at him, watching him sleep. I thought, this man loves me so much and I knew he loved me but I never realized how much. His amazing patience and understanding, his ability to never complain (or maybe it was he never had a chance to speak…a lot of girls live here!) and the love he shared with us. How cute we’d look as a three leg couple, he missing his. (haha) I did say how much he loved me, I know he’d offer me his leg and you know, I’d have to take it, I am chasing the kids ALL DAY! Lol!
When he was thinking of me, his breathing turned to low sighs. Like a sweet hiss, almost like the sound of someone blowing out candles. These where the times I rolled the other way, pretending to be asleep myself. I knew if I started talking knowing we where both awake, we’d talk til the sun rose and there would be no opportunity to try and fall asleep. I already see how this has changed our lives! However, without this news, I would never have taken the opportunity to watch him sleep. Most importantly, find kind thoughts to go along with his breathing. For years, I have thought his breathing to be rather bothersome. Today, it’s nice to just know I can hear him breathe. I can reach out and touch him and he knows I touched him. I can kiss his lips and rest in his arms. I thought of the love we shared. The house we built. The family we started. The family we have. The times we’ve had. The memories we made. The friends we have. I never made time to think about these things, to appreciate, to just sit and take it all in without a reason.
Then I shifted to my kids. Morgan woke up around 5:30am. She let out a cry; I went in her room and asked her what she needed…”cover me mommy.” I covered her and said, “mommy loves you.” I thought, how sweet! Before this week, I’d be annoyed I was woken to cover her. I stood over her crib as she nestled in her covers, holding her dog. I really got sad. I allowed myself to go “there.” Yes, “there.” I thought who’s going to know Morgan likes to be covered. She likes every toe, finger and leg wrapped. She likes her doggie tucked under her ear, allowing her head to lay on it. Who will know Morgan needs you to smile at her from afar, assuring her everything will be ok. She loves music; you can get her to do anything if you sing the request in a song. Who’s going to know this? Who will do this? Who will hug her close and whisper “I love you, do you know I love you?” And know she will giggle and say “miss you!” And Lexie! I look at her lay in her crib and she sleeps as wild as her personality! No blanket, sprawled out in her crib, wearing the same nightshirt she wore the previous night, only pulling it out from the hamper this night! Who will know she likes her blankie rubbed against her cheek when she gets settled for bed? Who will know, as feisty and humorous as she is, she needs hugs. She needs you to hum Amazing Grace when she is sad, scared or mad! I could smell her just thinking of that. How we hold each other so tight put our cheeks together and I just hum Amazing Grace, allowing her tears to roll down my cheeks. Who will know Alexa truly believes she’s a princess and deserves all royal rights? Who will fulfill these “make-believes?” “Alexa, those are princess pants! How pretty!” Knowing they are the hand me down jeans from Elena that no one else will wear, for good reason! Who?? Who will sing in EVERY car ride? Surf the internet for children’s songs and print the words because you don’t know them. And that sweet Elena! A mommy herself. Who will teach her to be a lady, walk like a lady, and eat like a lady? C’mon, you’re thinking, daddy. Daddy thinks it’s funny when someone passes gas; daddy has them pointing the culprit out. lol! Some things are made for mommies to teach. Who will hold her tender heart in your heart, hoping she is someday comfortable letting her spirit flow. Who will know she likes to hang like a sloth from your arms before she goes to bed. Who will know she sneaks in your bed when she wakes, caring her blanket and never forgetting her water cup, she strokes your arm as she falls asleep once again. Who will know? Really, who will know these things!?
I started to cry again! I thought about our times as a family. How they are all so eager to say grace at dinner, putting their little hands together like angels, Elena now closing her eyes for our prayer. How daddy arrvies home from work during dinner and makes his entrance with a big sock slide across the floor! All the girls laughing, Elena saying, "Daddy's so funny, I'm going to cry!," Morg and Alexa yelling, "do again!" How we all like to call each other “girlfriend,” well we don’t call daddy that. How my kids are so fooled, they think church is fun, all they really know is the nursery filled with toys! Lol! The walks we take. The nights we play in the yard and again, fool our kids that frozen applesauce in a packet is ice-cream! Who will know!?
I just can’t believe it! I just couldn’t believe I let myself go “there.” I cried. I cried a lot. I thought losing my mom was hard, the idea of your kids growing up without their mom is worse. It hurts, no matter what the outcome, right now, today…my heart hurts. It weeps more now than ever for my mom. I know if she was here, she’d have the answers. She’d hold me, let me cry and say how proud she is of me. She always said that. She always said, “I love you.” My mom always allowed herself to cry, she often cried with me or for me. And I know her heart wept too. So I too, know I can cry and my heart can weep but in the end, I will still be considered strong and a fighter because I don’t fear my emotions. These where happy thoughts knowing I am living them and I know!
As for the WHO? The “who will know?” YOU will also know. You will know because you cared enough to read this blog. Thank YOU for “listening.”
It’s amazing all the things you begin to notice in a life you live in and have lived in. From the flowers to the rain, the grass to the trees and the skies to the sun! Almost like life in slow motion, something I know NOTHING about!
Last night, Mike and I both tossed and turned. I could tell when he was dreaming of me and when he was thinking of me! When he was dreaming of me, he was breathing heavy! No, nothing kinky! Probably some scary dream, like the idea he’d have to spend yet, another weekend shopping for kid shoes! We are girls, girls do like to shop, ya know? I enjoyed these moments; I laid there looking at him, watching him sleep. I thought, this man loves me so much and I knew he loved me but I never realized how much. His amazing patience and understanding, his ability to never complain (or maybe it was he never had a chance to speak…a lot of girls live here!) and the love he shared with us. How cute we’d look as a three leg couple, he missing his. (haha) I did say how much he loved me, I know he’d offer me his leg and you know, I’d have to take it, I am chasing the kids ALL DAY! Lol!
When he was thinking of me, his breathing turned to low sighs. Like a sweet hiss, almost like the sound of someone blowing out candles. These where the times I rolled the other way, pretending to be asleep myself. I knew if I started talking knowing we where both awake, we’d talk til the sun rose and there would be no opportunity to try and fall asleep. I already see how this has changed our lives! However, without this news, I would never have taken the opportunity to watch him sleep. Most importantly, find kind thoughts to go along with his breathing. For years, I have thought his breathing to be rather bothersome. Today, it’s nice to just know I can hear him breathe. I can reach out and touch him and he knows I touched him. I can kiss his lips and rest in his arms. I thought of the love we shared. The house we built. The family we started. The family we have. The times we’ve had. The memories we made. The friends we have. I never made time to think about these things, to appreciate, to just sit and take it all in without a reason.
Then I shifted to my kids. Morgan woke up around 5:30am. She let out a cry; I went in her room and asked her what she needed…”cover me mommy.” I covered her and said, “mommy loves you.” I thought, how sweet! Before this week, I’d be annoyed I was woken to cover her. I stood over her crib as she nestled in her covers, holding her dog. I really got sad. I allowed myself to go “there.” Yes, “there.” I thought who’s going to know Morgan likes to be covered. She likes every toe, finger and leg wrapped. She likes her doggie tucked under her ear, allowing her head to lay on it. Who will know Morgan needs you to smile at her from afar, assuring her everything will be ok. She loves music; you can get her to do anything if you sing the request in a song. Who’s going to know this? Who will do this? Who will hug her close and whisper “I love you, do you know I love you?” And know she will giggle and say “miss you!” And Lexie! I look at her lay in her crib and she sleeps as wild as her personality! No blanket, sprawled out in her crib, wearing the same nightshirt she wore the previous night, only pulling it out from the hamper this night! Who will know she likes her blankie rubbed against her cheek when she gets settled for bed? Who will know, as feisty and humorous as she is, she needs hugs. She needs you to hum Amazing Grace when she is sad, scared or mad! I could smell her just thinking of that. How we hold each other so tight put our cheeks together and I just hum Amazing Grace, allowing her tears to roll down my cheeks. Who will know Alexa truly believes she’s a princess and deserves all royal rights? Who will fulfill these “make-believes?” “Alexa, those are princess pants! How pretty!” Knowing they are the hand me down jeans from Elena that no one else will wear, for good reason! Who?? Who will sing in EVERY car ride? Surf the internet for children’s songs and print the words because you don’t know them. And that sweet Elena! A mommy herself. Who will teach her to be a lady, walk like a lady, and eat like a lady? C’mon, you’re thinking, daddy. Daddy thinks it’s funny when someone passes gas; daddy has them pointing the culprit out. lol! Some things are made for mommies to teach. Who will hold her tender heart in your heart, hoping she is someday comfortable letting her spirit flow. Who will know she likes to hang like a sloth from your arms before she goes to bed. Who will know she sneaks in your bed when she wakes, caring her blanket and never forgetting her water cup, she strokes your arm as she falls asleep once again. Who will know? Really, who will know these things!?
I started to cry again! I thought about our times as a family. How they are all so eager to say grace at dinner, putting their little hands together like angels, Elena now closing her eyes for our prayer. How daddy arrvies home from work during dinner and makes his entrance with a big sock slide across the floor! All the girls laughing, Elena saying, "Daddy's so funny, I'm going to cry!," Morg and Alexa yelling, "do again!" How we all like to call each other “girlfriend,” well we don’t call daddy that. How my kids are so fooled, they think church is fun, all they really know is the nursery filled with toys! Lol! The walks we take. The nights we play in the yard and again, fool our kids that frozen applesauce in a packet is ice-cream! Who will know!?
I just can’t believe it! I just couldn’t believe I let myself go “there.” I cried. I cried a lot. I thought losing my mom was hard, the idea of your kids growing up without their mom is worse. It hurts, no matter what the outcome, right now, today…my heart hurts. It weeps more now than ever for my mom. I know if she was here, she’d have the answers. She’d hold me, let me cry and say how proud she is of me. She always said that. She always said, “I love you.” My mom always allowed herself to cry, she often cried with me or for me. And I know her heart wept too. So I too, know I can cry and my heart can weep but in the end, I will still be considered strong and a fighter because I don’t fear my emotions. These where happy thoughts knowing I am living them and I know!
As for the WHO? The “who will know?” YOU will also know. You will know because you cared enough to read this blog. Thank YOU for “listening.”
